7 Engineers and 7 Doctors..........joke

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from Pune to Mumbai. So they gather at Pune Station.  Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority. 

Classified Ads.....funny

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake…

************

MONDAY: For sale – Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 ***** after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

************

TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 ***** and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

************

WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale – Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 ***** after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.

************

THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 ***** as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

New HR policies .....funny

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to  raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION

ｷ        It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to 

your salary.

ｷ        If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well 

financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

ｷ        If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

ｷ        If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE

Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!).  They are called Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

ｷ        Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

ｷ        Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

ｷ        Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time 

needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Certificate as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

ｷ        There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open.

INTERNET USAGE

All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection).

Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day 😜😜😜😜😜

New units of indian currency...funny

Lacs & Crores no longer work -as least count -too many zero's to handle so we talk of Lac crores etc

And as part of Globalisation, one unit which works best is $Bn, but not understood properly in India

But for India another simpler system also emerges

The huge amounts mentioned in the recent scams have an upside: they have given us convenient new units for communicating large figures:

Rs 1,000 crores     = 1 Radia

Rs. 10,000 crores  = 1 Kalmadi

Rs 1,00,000 crores= 1 Raja

This will make it easier for us to easier to comprehend and communicate large numbers. For example:

Anil Ambani's new home in Pali Hill will cost Rs 4.5 Radias

India’s total annual subsidy on kerosene is Rs 2 Kalmadis

ONGC’s annual output is worth Rs 1.2 Rajas

India’s loss in the 3G scam is approximately Rs 1.7 Rajas

Poor Pramod Mahajan left behind only Rs 1.4 Radias

and finally we can even convert indian population into this system for easy handling😁😂😂😂😂

A London class..(Joke)

One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds…

               I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",

The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed" (PBUH).They all were not successful.

           Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."

           As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

           Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Bijness is Bijness!!!!! !

Moral : Talk the language which listener (Customer) wants, not that which you know.

 Photo Credit- Unknown 

How to kill an Ant.....joke

Question: How to Kill an Ant?

Asked in the exam for 15 marks.

Student:

Mix Chilli Powder with Sugar & keep it outside the Ant's Hole.

After eating, Ant will search for some water near a water tank.

Push the ant into it. Now, the ant will go to dry itself near the fire. When it reaches fire, put a bomb into the fire. Then admit the wounded ant to the ICU. Remove the oxygen mask from its mouth and kill the ant

MORAL:
Don't play with students.
We can kill the ant for even 15 marks😂😂😂😂

Har ek friend zaroori hota hai....joke

Beta ghar late aaya to Dad ne pucha:
 "Where were you?"

...Bete nein kaha: "Friend ke ghar tha."
Dad nein usi hi saamne uske 10 friends ko call kiya.
......4 nein kaha: "Haan Uncle, Yahin par tha."
2 nein kaha: "Abhi just nikla hai."
3 nein kaha: "Yahin hai Uncle, Padh raha hai, Phone doon kya?"
ek  nein hadd hi kar di, kaha: "Haan Papa bolo kya hua"...!!!

Ab bolo HAR EK friend zaroori hota hai!😜 😂😂😂😂😂

Awesome answers .. really funny

Our technical knowledge helps, but also the presence of mind and the right answer at right time.

sometimes Even if u don't know the answer for a question it is better to confuse the questioner :D

> Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

> A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

> Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

> A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

> Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

> A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank )

> Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

> A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

> Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

> A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

> Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

> A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

> Q. What looks like half apple ?

> A. The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

> Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

> A. Dinner.

> Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?

> A. It caused a revolution.

A lovely letter from a Ex-husband and Ex- Wife...joke

Dear Wife:

             I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

            These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

             

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want anything that connects us as husband and wife.

            Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

                                                                     Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Husband,

                   Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

                   I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

                   I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

                  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

                 

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

                 After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

                I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

A true story of IIT Bombay...joke

One night Four Students were Playing till late night and didn't study for the test which was sechuduled for the next day

                          In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.  They then went up to the dean  and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the Tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that's why there were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the retest after 3 days. They said they will be ready by that time.  On the third day they appeared before the Dean.The Dean said that this was a special condition test. All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.

Q .1. YOUR NAME .........................( 2 MARKS )

Q.2 . WHICH TYRE BURST ................( 98 MARKS ).

a) Front Left

b) Front Right

c) Back Left

d) Back Right

True story of IIT Bombay ...Batch 1992-96 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Dont mess with Ladies.. (a joke)

A  lady gets pulled over for speeding.....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car..

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet that liar told you I was speeding, too. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

So the Moral of the incident is Don't Mess With Ladies :)😜